Is God Dead? Wrestling with Faith

Is God Dead? Wrestling with Faith

I’ve spent my entire life in church. Not just any church, but a vibrant, spirit-filled, Apostolic church. The kind of place where “fire and brimstone” preaching meets “Holy Rollers” and “Tongue Talkers.” If you’ve never been to one of those services, I encourage you to go—just once—so you can experience what a real, spirit-filled worship service feels like. It may just change your life.

Growing up in that atmosphere, I was surrounded by the powerful presence of God. For me, it was normal. It was all I knew, and I never had a reason to question it. But, then again, I’ve always been the curious type. The one who questions everything. Why? Because I believe that if you don't ask questions, you'll never truly know anything. Thomas Edison’s words have always stuck with me: “You’ll never know anything if you don’t ask questions.”

Throughout my life, I’ve watched people who seemed to have it all together spiritually—people who were on fire for God one day, and backslid the next. I saw mentors walk away from the faith without looking back. And then there’s the most painful part: I watched a woman who was like a second mother to me—one of the most anointed people I’ve ever known—go through one traumatic experience after another, and then die. Why, God?

For almost my entire life, I’ve watched my mother weep and beg God to bring my older brother back to church. I’ve seen her pray for his salvation with tears, and then, six years ago, he became ill. He started having weekly seizures, and today, he can barely walk or talk. He’s a shell of the person he once was. Now, my mother’s prayer has changed: “God, save my son. God, heal my son. God, please heal my son…”

And now, my cry has become: “Why, God?”

It seems like my whole world revolves around that question: Why, God?

Not long ago, after service, my mom rode home with me. She began pouring her heart out—about my brother’s condition, about my younger sister’s struggles to maintain her identity in today’s schools, about my younger brother’s growing resentment toward anything church-related. As she spoke, she asked, “Is it even worth it? Is God even there?”

That night, as I lay in bed, I began to pray, and a thought hit me: Is God dead?

I’ve struggled with my faith many times. I’ve hit rough patches and cried out to God, “Can you even hear me? I can’t do this anymore. Are You even there?” I once said to a friend, “If it weren’t for my involvement in the music department at church, I would have dropped out a long time ago.” For a time, it felt like God was dead to me. I was just going through the motions, paying lip service to a God I didn’t believe in anymore.

For a while, my life went on without any noticeable interference from some outside deity I didn’t have faith in. I lived my life by my standards. I wasn’t a bad kid, but I didn’t care about God. I wanted nothing to do with a God who hadn’t answered my mother’s cries. I wanted nothing to do with a God who seemed uninterested in my life.

I’m sure many of us have felt the same way—thinking we can make it through life without God. We tell ourselves, “I’ll do my thing, and God can do whatever He does, but I’ll be fine.” I went to church, played my music, did my part. I was there for every youth event I could attend, but only if I didn’t have something else to pull me away. To the outside world, I probably seemed like another “mediocre Apostolic kid.”

I had the act down: I could dance the jig during worship, say “Amen” at the right time, raise my hands when expected, pray when needed—but no more. In my world, God was a distant deity I didn’t need. I was fine on my own.

And that, in my humble opinion, is the problem in the world today. How can we expect God to care about our world and our issues if we, as a society, have ignored Him? We’ve grown complacent, wrapped up in our own pursuits, and we’ve silenced His voice. We’ve become so self-sufficient, so caught up in the noise of our culture, that we’ve effectively “killed Him off” in our hearts.

It’s easy to blame the world for its rejection of God, but what about the church? What about us—the very ones who profess to know Him? We’ve become so accustomed to the rituals, the routine, and the formality of religion that we’ve lost the reality of a living, breathing relationship with God. We go through the motions, we sing the songs, we say the prayers—but do we really believe? Do we really encounter the living God in our worship, or do we merely offer lip service, thinking that the outward expression is enough?

The truth is, many of us live as though God is dead—not in our theology, not in our doctrines—but in the way we live our daily lives. We forget that He is not a distant figure, but a God who desires to be intimately involved in every part of our existence. When we face struggles, when we experience pain, when we wrestle with questions like "Why, God?" we need to remember that He is not absent, and He has not forsaken us. He is not dead, and He is not silent.

But, perhaps, we are the ones who have stopped listening.

There are moments in life when it feels like God is distant, when it seems like our prayers hit the ceiling and fall back down unanswered. And in those moments, it’s easy to entertain the thought that maybe God is dead. But I’ve come to realize that the issue isn’t with God's existence, but with my own perception and my own willingness to seek Him—really seek Him—beyond the surface-level rituals and practices.

In the Bible, the Psalmist cries out, “Where are You, God?”—a cry that echoes through the centuries. And yet, every time I read those words, I’m reminded that God is not far off; He is near, ever-present, and waiting for us to seek Him with all our hearts. He has not gone silent; He is waiting for us to open our ears, our hearts, and our lives to the fullness of His presence.

The question “Is God dead?” is not one of His absence, but one of our awareness. It’s a question that calls us to examine the depth of our relationship with Him. Are we truly engaging with the living God, or have we allowed ourselves to become spiritually numb, going through the motions while the real God waits to pour out His power, His presence, and His love into our lives?

I don’t have all the answers, but I know this: In the depths of my questioning, in the moments when I’ve felt like God was far away, He has been there. He has never abandoned me. And I believe that He hasn’t abandoned you either.

So, as we walk through this series together, I invite you to ask yourself—Is God dead in your life? Is He still alive in the way you live, the way you pray, the way you worship, the way you love? Because I believe that God is very much alive, and the answer to the question is not about whether He exists—it’s about whether we are truly living in His presence.

But here’s the thing: I don’t believe God is dead. In the depths of my questioning, in the moments when I’ve felt like He’s far away, I’ve come to realize that God is not dead—He’s alive. The question isn’t whether He exists; the question is whether we’re truly listening and seeking Him.

Throughout this series, I want to spend some posts pointing out the negative images of God that we have perpetuated in our culture, in our churches, and in our own lives. Then, I’ll move on to posts that present God as He truly is—alive, present, and intimately involved in every part of our lives. I believe it’s time to rediscover the God who is not distant, but near. The God who has never abandoned us.